A Life Divided

Of all of the things alcohol was to me, predictable had to be my favorite.  I knew what it would taste like, how that first fuzzy head rush of the first drink of the night would feel, and how it was completely accessible from pretty much anywhere.  It was predictable in other ways, as well.  It would make the stress of the day melt away, it would relax me, it would make me open up and socialize.  Alcohol did things for me nothing else in my life could.

My life was separated into two distinct parts: when I was drinking, and when I was not.  By quitting drinking, I had to give up that predictability.  I knew I would have to learn how to live a different life, somehow finding a way to get through the day without the knowledge of the 6pm finish line.  I wondered how I could possibly go through my day with no reward in sight.

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Changing: Step One

As I mentioned in a previous post, rewriting the twelve steps of AA was an incredibly important part of my initial sobriety.  I found the general process of the steps potentially helpful, but saw some major flaws in its execution.  It seemed to me that taking the steps as-written could potentially take an already desperate, broken individual and take them down even further into self-pity and hopelessness than they had already gone.  The original steps included things like “admitting powerlessness” (Step 1), naming every single one of your “character defects” (Step 6), and eventually doing a nightly inventory of each time you were selfish, self-centered, or dishonest that day (Step 10).  For my own sobriety, these were not exercises I needed to be doing to begin to regain self-confidence and self-respect.  Luckily, there were resources available that would allow me to carefully examine each step and rework each one to better empower and enlighten. Continue reading

Sobriety & Your Inner Dialogue

The whole IDGAF attitude that alcohol gave me was irreplaceable.  Nothing phased me, nothing mattered and I could make any situation into a non-issue with a bottle or two of wine.  Caring was unnecessary.  Also unnecessary were a whole host of other emotions I knew I was numbing out, but also knew I didn’t need.  Giving up drinking made me feel, and this was, in a word, awful.  I was constantly and consistently questioning my own judgement.  Are my thoughts rational right now?  Am I overreacting?  Or is this how I should have been reacting the whole time?  My inner dialogue was wrought with skepticism and a general negativity, and I had no idea how to stop it- or if I should even try. Continue reading