As an atheist, my first foray into AA’s rooms was not one of interest, but one of desperation.  After exploring avenues of virtual support, I decided I needed some face-to-face accountability.  Politics about AA aside, I was interested in facing the difficult questions I would have to ask myself as a result of the steps.  I was hopeful, but also skeptical.  AA’s program is heavily built upon a “higher power”, and this was one aspect I was entirely uninterested in.

AA has, undoubtedly, become the most prominent source of help and support for alcoholics all over the world.  So what happens when your own beliefs don’t fit in with the “higher power” mantra?  Is it worth it?  Can the program work if you don’t believe in god?

From the beginning, I was adamant about not buying into the whole “god thing” in the program.  I needed help, that much was clear.  I did, however, have a strong unwillingness to give up certain beliefs in order to get the help I so desperately wanted.  My sponsor told me: you don’t have to believe in god.  You simply need to choose something- anything- that is a power greater than yourself.  I felt pained by these conversations.  I was willing to try anything; willing to buy into the Twelve-Step Program I wasn’t sure would work.  What I was unable to do was change a lifetime of disbelief in the span of a couple of weeks.

My sponsor kept imploring me, and through our back and forth, she made her point.  “If you cannot choose a higher power, you’re essentially saying that there isn’t any power greater than you.”

I got it.  Although this logic seemed a bit flimsy, I was keen to play along for the sake of the program.  I asked different people what they had chosen as their “power”.  The answers I got were all over the map.  Gravity, my dog, the other people in AA, and a tree were some of the more interesting faux-god items I heard, and I stowed them away for consideration.

And throughout the initial process, I did consider them.  I wrote and pondered at length regarding my feelings towards a god-like power.  I wasn’t opposed to being open-minded, but how was gravity going to help me get sober?  At what point would seeing a tree as a power greater than myself assist me in re-wiring the chemical abnormalities I had developed in my brain?  AA sees alcoholism as a spiritual disease- something that is best healed by belief in the higher power of your choosing.  I disagreed, and still do.  My problem was not spiritual, it was mental and physical.

My issue is not, and was not, my atheism.  My issue was that I knowingly and willingly began ingesting a substance that altered my mind.  I did this for years, almost a decade.  I was doing this daily, even when I didn’t want to.  I slowly altered the delicate chemistry of my brain to need this substance, not through giant leaps, but by tiny daily steps.  Knowing that my problem was physical in nature did not dull the ache of trying to quit.  If anything, it made it worse knowing that the problem was literally inside my head the entire time- the very place that hosted the daily battle between wanting to stay sober and wanting desperately to drink.  For me, this had nothing to do with god and everything to do with finding a way through without a “spiritual cure”.

Once I saw that my personal beliefs (or lack thereof) were hindering me in what I thought might be an important and helpful process, I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture.  Why could I not do the steps my own way, without a higher power?  This program was supposed to help alcoholics stop drinking- to grow as human beings in a supportive environment- not to convert me or anyone else from their atheism.

What I found out was that AA’s Steps are not hard and fast rules, but suggestions.  Bill W. writes in Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age (1957), “We must remember that AA’s Steps are suggestions only.  A belief in them as they stand is not at all a requirement for membership among us.  This liberty has made AA available to thousands who never would have tried at all, had we insisted on the Twelve Steps just as written.”  You won’t hear this in the rooms much, especially when it comes to taking the higher power out of the equation.  I caught some pushback from some of the members down here in the bible belt when I mentioned my atheism and refused to say the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings.  I also found some like-minded people who were entirely supportive, including a sponsor who was willing to help me find my own way.

The path towards making the program my own become completely clear when my sponsor suggested “The Little Book: A Collection of Alternative 12 Steps”.  I took a couple of hours of quiet introspection and wrote out a version of the steps that supported both my rational understanding of alcoholism and my atheism.  No “higher power”, no “god of my own understanding”, no trees, or gravity.  This was about my own battle, about connecting with other people who were also struggling, and about growing into a person who could begin to help others.

The Twelve Steps of AA are only what you make them, and it’s important to know that this is your life.  These are your choices.  If something is not working for you, you are free to make your own decisions regarding your mental health and sobriety as a whole.  We are all free to believe what we want to believe.  If it is important for you to have a higher power, by all means have one.  For those of us who don’t subscribe to that kind of faith, there are other options- like writing the steps in a way that resonates with you on a personal level- that can be just as powerful, helpful and life-changing.