1. Abstinence is a Personal Choice

You’ll find a wealth of advice regarding alcoholism, most of which insists that complete abstinence is the only way to change your life.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  While my personal journey has brought me to abstinence, it didn’t start out that way, and I have serious doubts that I would have been successful had I followed through with abstaining from the beginning.

As a moderate drinker for 6 years, and then a heavy drinker for another 6, the thought of abstaining for my preliminary five-day streak was mentally exhausting and nearly out of the scope of what I believed I could realistically do.  I made it four out of the expected five days, and felt virtually no sense of accomplishment.  The fact was, I could now drink as much as I wanted to since my “sobriety contract” was up.  However, I maintained my resolve for betterment, and embarked on what would be a three-month quest to moderate.

Moderation was in and of itself a challenge, because the nature of alcohol blurs our sense of what is right and wrong (I’m looking at you, 3am text messages.)  Fully intent on standing my ground, I would proudly pour my second drink and say to myself, “This is the last one today.”  About halfway through that glass, however, that warm, fuzzy dissociation from my thoughts began and I was easily convincing myself that a third glass would be okay.  The next morning, with two empty bottles in my recycling bin, I would heave a big sigh and plan to try again.

Something obviously wasn’t working for me.  I analyzed my process and looked for flaws.  I saw what I didn’t want to admit to myself: I can’t have even one.  The slope of alcohol I had made for myself had become too steep, and if I took even one step onto the precipice I was back where I started.

Though my journey has ended in abstinence, I would never have gotten sober had it not been for the months I took experimenting- failing, trying something else, regrouping and failing again.  I found something that works for me, and it’s important that you do, as well.  Moderation may be the key to finding what it is you’re looking for.

It’s quite easy for someone who has been sober for many months or years to tout the benefits of abstinence, however for those who are toeing the waters of sobriety, this notion can completely put them off of even trying.  The sheer impossibility of it is daunting in the beginning, and may not be entirely necessary for a better quality of life.

Not all alcoholics are created equal, and if you’re serious about maximizing your gains and limiting your losses in the alcohol game, you’ve got to make a choice that’s healthy for YOU.  Carefully considering your mental and physical health, your current situation in life and your relationships with those around you are all important steps to take before you take the plunge into full-on sobriety or moderation.

2. Any Step is a Good Step (Even if it Fails)

As with any successful process, there are steps you’ve got to take, and most of those will seem so small and insignificant at first that it’s difficult to see the point in even taking them.  Googling the word “alcoholic” and toying whether this word really applies to you or not, researching recovery programs that you don’t fully intend on going through with and taking a not-very-serious look at exactly how much you’re drinking are some important steps that seem entirely pointless.

All of these little, seemingly miniscule steps are seeds you’re planting.  You’re slowly but effectively giving yourself a head start into gaining the information you need so that when you do decide to make a change, you’ll be armed with the parts you need to build a solid foundation.  The thoughts you have, whether they’re rational or irrational, right or wrong, are all important stepping-stones to the mindset you’ll have when you’re ready to take some bigger steps.

Your steps don’t even have to be alcohol-related.  If anything, it was all of the things I began doing that had nothing to do with drinking that really solidified that area of my life and made me take those bigger steps.  I started a gratitude journal.  I began drinking tea in the mornings and at night.  I found a form of exercise that I really connected with.  These small things gave me the courage to face the alcoholic in me head-on.  I reached out to other alcoholics for help.  I read books and memoirs about alcoholism.  I attended my first AA meeting.  I was capable of having conversations with my loved ones about my drinking.  The steps got bigger, but only because I took the little ones first.

We’re not building Rome here, and if you spend too much time poring over the plan, the details, the setbacks you might encounter, the amount of work this will be- the day you start won’t ever come.  Sobriety for me was like feeling my way through a dark hallway.  I knew I wanted out, and inevitably many of the things I tried ended up being totally unhelpful. I kept inching my way along, though, until I found a way that worked and I finally found freedom.

3. Sobriety is Not All Unicorns and Rainbow Bagels

After many months of browsing Instagram photos and blog posts of ethereal blonde yogis who drink organic kale juices and have found the light of sobriety and spiritual freedom, I have to call bullshit.  Sobriety, especially in the beginning when it’s most difficult, sucks the big one.

Early sobriety is toughest because your body and brain are both trying to adjust to life without the constant source of a chemical it doesn’t yet know how to live without.  Every single day is a struggle- mentally, physically and emotionally.  You’re caught in a constant spiral of thoughts, knowing that if you can just get through the bad shit you’ll feel much better, but also knowing that a fine night of drinking would give you at least a temporary reprieve from all of the crap you’re dealing with.  It’s maddening.

I was hopeful in the beginning that the problems in my life- the things I desperately wanted to change- would simply get better for all of the effort this one thing was taking.  I was putting more effort into bettering my life than I had ever done before, surely all of my hard work would pay off in spades almost immediately.  Shocker- they didn’t.  In fact, if not drinking wasn’t bad enough, I actually contracted mono from the physical toll abstinence was taking on my body.

It took a few months of struggling, facing actual real-life emotions without the numbing buffer of alcohol, to really feel the change.  I still to this day don’t know if there was any one thing I did that helped the most.  In all probability, it was the sum of my steps, my gains and losses, that got me through that initial shit-tastic early sobriety phase.

Sobriety, or moderation if it’s right for you, won’t fix everything- especially not in the beginning.  However, I promise you, if you keep taking the steps both forward, and backward if necessary, it will get approximately 40% better.  Maybe I’ll reach 100% one day, but for now 40% is an incredible improvement that I’m super stoked about.

Keep going.  The good things are coming.